Dear Vodacom....

With a new phone you expect certain things - the learning curve is part of the fun. With the iPhone, however, I also had to change service providers.
I tried not to, but the others had gone about their business blithely ignoring the iPhone phenomenon so I really had no choice.

The experience has been harrowing. Firstly I had to give the other service provider notice. This involved daily calls, emails and a declaration of war. They conceded, then promptly billed me for another month.
This was nothing compared to the joy I was in for.

I sometimes use my cellphone for work. My employer pays for those calls, but obviously I need to provide them with proof. The first account arrived with no information on it. I called them.
Me: "Do you do itemised billing?"
Them: "Yes ma'am, just enable it on our website and it'll all be done for you"
Me: "Fabulous, thank you for all your help"

And that's where the fun began...there are two websites, so once I'd got past the registration (that took a week and almost required a letter from Walter giving me permission to run my own accounts) I called them to ask where, exactly, I would find the box to tick for itemised billing.
Them: "You're on the wrong website"
Me: "Excuse me?"
Them: "Yes, we're migrating to that website, you need to do it on the old website"
Me: "And where will I find that?"
Them: "Vodacom4me"
Me: "Thank you"
And so I ticked the box, imported all 1,000 of my contacts and waited.

The next invoice arrived. Just a list of telephone numbers. By now I was starting to fray around the edges.
Me: "I don't see the names on my invoice.
Them: "Do you have personalised itemised billing?"
Me: "What's that?"
Them (sighing): "You need that to get the names included"
Me: "That's what I need, how do I do it?"
Them: "You need to tick it on the website"
Me: "Hmm"
And so I did.

The next invoice duly arrived, sans names. 15 pages of random numbers, no names. I gritted my teeth and called the "help" line
Me: "You appear to have left the contact names off my invoice"
Them: "Do you have personalised itemised billing?"
Me: "Yes"
Them: "Have you enabled the box for showing the names?"
Me: "Excuse me?"
Them: "You need to click on all the names you want shown so that the system knows to show them"
Me: "Hahaha, that's funny, you almost had me there"
Them: "Excuse me?"

And so I have spent an entire month individually enabling each contact (26 pages, 30 contacts per page, 7 clicks per contact)

From time to time the site crashes. The first 9 or 10 times I submitted a screenshot to them to try and help them sort it out.

Me: "Your website crashes after I've been on it for 15 minutes"
Them: "Ja, I know, it, like, overheats or something. Just wait a while and try again"
Me: Sigh

The person who designed the system should be hanged, drawn and quartered.