#Gymlife - The Pirate

For the longest time Walter assumed The Pirate only had one eye. Walter is visual so this would make sense to him, but actually he sounds like Johnny Depp's character in The Pirates of the Caribbean.

Image credit

He is also bald by choice, so I guess he doesn't really bear any resemblance to the standard image of a pirate at all. Which makes perfect sense to me.

I have a love/hate relationship with The Pirate, he's an extrovert of note and needs to talk to someone all the time, looking saddest when he's all alone on the upright cycles. The first time I 'met' him he simply sat down on the Reclinocyle* next to me and started interrogating me.
This was disturbing for a few reasons but mainly because I couldn't understand why. I was tweeting, listening to music and avoiding making eye contact with anyone. Doesn't that just scream "Leave me alone"?  My main reason for going to gym at the time was to manage my stress levels and give my brain some time to switch off, I absolutely did not want to talk to anyone. I was frosty and aloof. He persisted.
He's generous with information and not at all put off by my reluctance to engage. There are no awkward silences because he simply volunteers advice (you should run, it's much better for raising your heart rate) until I could scream.
I know all about The Pirate's life, and if I get to gym a little late he makes sure I have a full update whether I want it or not.
He is a relentless investigator but I'm a veteran of avoidance so he has minimal information on me (I think)
He's also an unapologetic gossip who volunteers (sometimes surprising) background information on all the regulars. I guess he's pumped them for information too.
I haven't asked him about Psycho Bob, it would disturb him to hear that I name the regulars and we haven't all been in the same place at the same time so that I can ask (nonchalantly) "What's his story?"
I miss Psycho Bob. Sigh.

*There's a #gymlife glossary here

#Gymlife - Meet Psycho Bob

Psycho Bob is definitely my favourite GymPerson. With his neon-striped shirts and wild hair he was the first one to grab my imagination; he snuck up behind me one day when I wasn't paying attention, causing my heart rate to rise to dangerous levels for A Person Of Advanced Age.
I realised later that when I saw him I heard the shower scene sounds (ri-ri-ri) from the movie Psycho in my head. Hence his name.

I'd guess he's in his late fifties (although I'm notoriously bad at age-guessing) and bears more than a passing physical resemblance to Judge Albie Sachs. He uses all the equipment like a pro, moving from the treadmill to the upright bike to the weights with ease.
I suspect he lives in the airconditioning ducts at the gym, since I've never actually seen him enter or leave. In spite of his brightly-coloured tops he is a master of camouflage and has been known to materialise at the oddest moments, giving other regulars quite a start.
Note for newbies: It's best to give way to Psycho Bob.
Unrelated - he has a crush on Skinny Model, keeping a close eye on her and making sure she never has to wait to use any of the equipment.

#Gymlife

The thing about gym is that it's incredibly boring. Really, it's totally unappealing on every level. Until you understand the equipment and get to know the characters you see on a daily basis. The #Gymlife blog posts will help you navigate this strange environment by outlining some basic rules and introducing some of the characters from my own gym. You're welcome.

Reclinocyle Mk1.  Image credit

I go to gym really early in the mornings; I absolutely wouldn't go at all if I could sleep, but I'm cursed with instant-alertness at 4am. It's deeply annoying to have an energy rush when the rest of the house is fast asleep and they tend to get tetchy if I start rattling pots and pans before 6am. So I put the energy to good use by going to gym. Walter says I wake him but my ninja skills are such that I can get dressed entirely in the dark.    

Gympeople seem to be entirely unaware of their strange behaviour. They race to get to the gym so that they can park right outside the entrance. Think about that for a moment. For people who are determined to gain maximum exercise value from their gym time they seem remarkably ignorant of the carb-burning calorific value of walking a few extra metres. Rule No 1: Take the furthest parking, don't upset the pecking order before you even get into the gym.

Once inside it's imperative you use exactly the same piece of equipment each time. Each Gymperson has their own designated treadmill or swimming lane (or reclinocyle in my case) and I'm convinced that part of the discomfort of hatchling and resolutionite season arises from the newbies' lack of knowledge about which piece of equipment they can use. Rule No 2: Don't just leap onto the first available treadmill. Choose the one furthest from the entrance (see benefits of walking above) This approach also allows you to figure out how to use the equipment without making a complete fool of yourself / causing permanent injury.

I have managed to secure my reclinocycle by retaining the services of the Guardians. They are unreliable, however, so be sure to negotiate a good rate.


Glossary
Guardian (n): 2nd row cyclists (on the upright stationary bicycles) whose job it is to guard equipment for the sole use of their rightful owner/s.
Hatchling (n): a gym neophyte; appears in spring with the intention of losing their winter fat layer and earning a beach-ready body in time for the summer holidays. 
Reclinocycle (n): a stationary bicycle that fools your body into thinking it's actually exercising, freeing your hands to (i) practise air-conducting (ii) hold a book or (iii) tweet on your mobile phone.
Resolutionite (n): emerges in the first weeks of January to do exercise as penance for festive over-indulgence.