#Gymlife

The thing about gym is that it's incredibly boring. Really, it's totally unappealing on every level. Until you understand the equipment and get to know the characters you see on a daily basis. The #Gymlife blog posts will help you navigate this strange environment by outlining some basic rules and introducing some of the characters from my own gym. You're welcome.

Reclinocyle Mk1.  Image credit

I go to gym really early in the mornings; I absolutely wouldn't go at all if I could sleep, but I'm cursed with instant-alertness at 4am. It's deeply annoying to have an energy rush when the rest of the house is fast asleep and they tend to get tetchy if I start rattling pots and pans before 6am. So I put the energy to good use by going to gym. Walter says I wake him but my ninja skills are such that I can get dressed entirely in the dark.    

Gympeople seem to be entirely unaware of their strange behaviour. They race to get to the gym so that they can park right outside the entrance. Think about that for a moment. For people who are determined to gain maximum exercise value from their gym time they seem remarkably ignorant of the carb-burning calorific value of walking a few extra metres. Rule No 1: Take the furthest parking, don't upset the pecking order before you even get into the gym.

Once inside it's imperative you use exactly the same piece of equipment each time. Each Gymperson has their own designated treadmill or swimming lane (or reclinocyle in my case) and I'm convinced that part of the discomfort of hatchling and resolutionite season arises from the newbies' lack of knowledge about which piece of equipment they can use. Rule No 2: Don't just leap onto the first available treadmill. Choose the one furthest from the entrance (see benefits of walking above) This approach also allows you to figure out how to use the equipment without making a complete fool of yourself / causing permanent injury.

I have managed to secure my reclinocycle by retaining the services of the Guardians. They are unreliable, however, so be sure to negotiate a good rate.


Glossary
Guardian (n): 2nd row cyclists (on the upright stationary bicycles) whose job it is to guard equipment for the sole use of their rightful owner/s.
Hatchling (n): a gym neophyte; appears in spring with the intention of losing their winter fat layer and earning a beach-ready body in time for the summer holidays. 
Reclinocycle (n): a stationary bicycle that fools your body into thinking it's actually exercising, freeing your hands to (i) practise air-conducting (ii) hold a book or (iii) tweet on your mobile phone.
Resolutionite (n): emerges in the first weeks of January to do exercise as penance for festive over-indulgence.