Zen and the art of weight maintenance

This post carries a V rating. You have been warned.

Look, I'm all for world peace and love thy neighbour, but this 'have you hugged a calorie today?' liberal lefty thinking is really taking things too far. Calories are not innocent bystanders in this war; they are the diabolically cunning, Machiavellian masters of morbid obesity. Perfectly camouflaged, they hide in seemingly safe places waiting for your attention to wander before striking with the speed of an African killer bee. You think your home is safe? Forget it, they have invaded both your pantry and your fridge, with the most despicable having taken up residence in your wine bottle. The wine bottle. For the love of God, is nothing sacred? You could try starving them out, but this approach has limited efficiency and is not sustainable in the long term.

Picture from mybodyhealth.net
You don't get to middle age without having fought a few calorie battles (the post-pregnancy front of '91 comes to mind) and I'd like to think I am a veteran of many calorie wars.Without wanting to blow my own trumpet I once received a certificate from the local Weight Watchers regiment acknowledging my bravery and commitment in a particularly fierce skirmish along the thunderthigh front. And so, in an entirely uncharacteristic burst of generosity, I have decided to share two powerful weapons in my calorie-killing arsenal.

The statue of liberty

I have very high-tech equipment to use following the shoulder surgery. Trusty Physiotherapist suggested, some time back, that I rig a pulley system to help me regain some range. I asked Walter and Child no 2 if they had any thoughts about how to do this. They consulted. They stared into the distance. They announced it was do-able and then promptly forgot. Two weeks later, tired of waiting, I rigged this myself

Why yes, that is a tow rope slung over a beam in my house.

I stand there, like the statue of liberty, holding my gown closed for modesty's sake with my left arm almost pointing at the ceiling muttering "Give me your tired, your poor" and swearing like a trooper.