Zen and the art of weight maintenance

This post carries a V rating. You have been warned.

Look, I'm all for world peace and love thy neighbour, but this 'have you hugged a calorie today?' liberal lefty thinking is really taking things too far. Calories are not innocent bystanders in this war; they are the diabolically cunning, Machiavellian masters of morbid obesity. Perfectly camouflaged, they hide in seemingly safe places waiting for your attention to wander before striking with the speed of an African killer bee. You think your home is safe? Forget it, they have invaded both your pantry and your fridge, with the most despicable having taken up residence in your wine bottle. The wine bottle. For the love of God, is nothing sacred? You could try starving them out, but this approach has limited efficiency and is not sustainable in the long term.

Picture from mybodyhealth.net
You don't get to middle age without having fought a few calorie battles (the post-pregnancy front of '91 comes to mind) and I'd like to think I am a veteran of many calorie wars.Without wanting to blow my own trumpet I once received a certificate from the local Weight Watchers regiment acknowledging my bravery and commitment in a particularly fierce skirmish along the thunderthigh front. And so, in an entirely uncharacteristic burst of generosity, I have decided to share two powerful weapons in my calorie-killing arsenal.

1. Walking.

It's deceptively low-tech, inexpensive and smacks of folk-wisdom but is also humane and should appeal to the more sensitive among you. I will admit to a fair amount of scepticism until I tried it. Its power lies in its apparent innocence - calories are lulled into a false sense of security and may even initially enjoy walking, particularly if you haven't walked before. Taking a dog with you provides foolproof cover and seems to increase walking's efficiency.Caution - the use of walking may lead to increased hunger when the calories realise what's going on. If they start regaining lost territory you may need to escalate to the next level. This is what happened to me.

I know. Their cunning knows no bounds


The next level is not to be taken lightly; principles are at stake here, your very lifestyle is called into question.
I too was strictly anti-exercise and spent many hours considering less drastic options. I meditated, I consulted the Google, I walked faster - the calories retaliated with images of butter-fried eggs and crisp, streaky bacon with a milkshake on the side. I had reached a plateau; the enemy had dug in for the winter. In my darkest hour I even considered joining the fanatics at the local running club, but came to my senses just in time.


Scale-e is your friend, think of him as your own personal NORAD

Eventually I found a compromise I could live with (in that very heart of darkness - the local gym) and, after much consideration and self-examination, signed up for the long haul.

Traditionally the home of the zealot, modern gyms have come a long way in their quest to attract a more moderate following. Oh, you still get the odd supplement-swilling Charles Atlas extremists, but I have come to see they are mostly harmless.

2. Cycling

Reclinocyle Mk1 Image credit

I know it seems a little extreme, like tossing an atom bomb at a spear-wielding cave-dweller, but this is war after all.
The reclinocycle allows you to outfox calories by exercising whilst appearing to do something entirely unthreatening. Like reading, for example.But the biggest selling point is that cycling is roughly three times as effective as walking at starving the little suckers out.
My gym is full of battle-scarred veterans and interesting characters. I have seen the resolutionites and hatchlings (January and September intakes) fall, insufficiently prepared. You learn not to become attached to the fresh-faced youth, but to nod at your surviving comrades when you arrive to man the defences each morning.