General note: there are no ATMs at OR Tambo terminal B once you've gone through security. No, I have no idea why not, particularly since you need cash for the budget airlines. There's also nowhere to buy a camera or a watch. I am still in need of both having "donated" my Tag somewhere in Lower Ditchfield or Melton Mowbray last year and only having the iPhone camera which you can't use in-flight. Obviously. You can however get your shoes polished, buy a full set of gym gear, cheap sunglasses and a collection of perfectly hideous overpriced coins.
Things didn't start well. 1Time introduced us to a new airport game that requires airlines to change the departure gate 3 times before finally announcing the flight will be delayed by an hour. Each new announcement should ideally direct your paying passengers to the other end of the airport. Extra points if they have to use stairs or out-of-order escalators. This is particularly useful for oversold flights as you can rely on losing at least 20% to asthma/heart/child attacks as they sprint to get there before the gates close.
By the time they finally started boarding I had found a seat with a view of the gate and didn't move until the last 2 passengers were ready to get on the bus. Yes, the bus. We had been demoted from the sophisticated tunnel-attached-to-the-aircraft boarding method of the 1st and 2nd gates to the ignominy of the sardines-jammed-into-a-jerking-bus drive across the apron of the 3rd and final gate. How humiliating.
The heavens opened on cue as the bus dropped us at the aircraft, rounding off the perfect pre-flight experience. I boarded from the back, avoiding the crush on the (open) stairs at the front and almost giving the ground crew heart failure by walking too close to the wing tip.
This particular replacement flight is a brand new MD80, piloted by a Yorkshireman (Capt Mike Shorock if I heard correctly) although the cabin attendant swears he's Irish. It's freshly painted (the aircraft, not the cabin attendant) in zebra stripes but then, bizarrely, has a shark grin. Im not sure about the carnivorous zebra look; seems to be missing something. Captain Shorock duly apologized for the delay and mentioned the original aircraft scheduled to take us to Cape Town was "literally nicked from under us" (I'm hoping he meant figuratively, but in Johannesburg it's not impossible) and he proceeded to open the throttle wide as we went around the corner onto runway. None of this namby-pamby lining up for us.
Because there's no ATM this side of security I have no cash on me, and no, they're sorry, they don't take cards, cheques, jewelry, buttons or almost-new picture frames in lieu of. No food or drink. I don't think it's unreasonable to expect a free glass of water, for example, if they've delayed you for an hour after setting a new cross-terminal sprinting record. A large bottle of good red wine would be better, of course.
Tip; you definitely shouldn't play "Flying without wings" as the apron Muzak 1Time; it unnerves the survivors.
And I'll be late for pink drinks now.
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Location:36,000 feet above the Groot Karroo
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